November 18th, 2009 / No Comments » / by joker
Winning submissions from The Washington Post yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.
1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
Posted in: Office Jokes, Quiz, School College Jokes, Sms
Tags: Alternate Meanings, Balderdash, Boxer Shorts, contest, Coughs, dictionary, Emergency Vehicle, Esplanade, Flat Stomach, Flatulence, funny, Jewish Men, Lisp, Mouthwash, neologism, Nightgown, Oyster, Proctologists, Rastafarian, Receding Hairline, Rectitude, Steamroller, Testicle, thesarus, Washington Post, words, words contest
November 12th, 2009 / No Comments » / by joker
1/ Marriage is an institution in which a man losses his bachelor’s degree and the woman gets her master’s status.
2/ Getting married is like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
3/ At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, “Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger??” The other replied, “Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.”
4/ Before a man is married, he is incomplete. Then when he is married, he is finished.
5/ A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get
married??” And the father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying for it.”
6/ Young son : “Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa, a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her?”
Dad : “That happens in most countries son.”
7/ Then there was a man who said, “I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and then it was too late.”
8/ A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband gives and the wife takes.
9/ When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why. Affair?
10/ Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
11/ After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, “You know, I was a fool when I married you.” And the Husband replied, “Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice it.”
12/ When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or his wife is new.
13/ A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classified : “Wife wanted”. The next day, he received hundreds letters. They all said the same thing “You can have mine.”
Posted in: Husband Wife Jokes
Tags: Africa, Bachelor, Cocktail Party, Fellow, First Year Of Marriage, Fool, Friends, funny marriage jokes, Happiness, Happy Marriage, Losses, Love, man jokes, Marriage, Married Life, Married Man, men humor, Neighbors, New Man, Quarrel, True Dad, Wedding Ring, women humor, women jokes, Wrong Man
November 11th, 2009 / No Comments » / by Kitty
# A family is a place where principles are hammered and honed on the anvil of everyday living. – Charles Swindoll
# Having a holiday weekend without a family member felt like putting on a sweater that had an extra arm. – Pamela Ribon
# A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold. – Ogden Nash
# The family is the country of the heart. – Giuseppe Mazzini
# Call it a clan, call it a network, call it a tribe, call it a family. Whatever you call it, whoever you are, you need one. – Jane Howard
Posted in: Quotes, Trivia
Tags: Anvil, Charles Swindoll, Country Of The Heart, Everyday Living, Family Member, family quotes, Family Values, Giuseppe Mazzini, Holiday Weekend, Jane Howard, life, living, Men Women, Ogden Nash, Pamela, Quotations, Tribe
November 9th, 2009 / No Comments » / by joker
# Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them? – George Carlin
# My mother had morning sickness after I was born. – Rodney Dangerfield
# She was so fat that she has her own postal code. – Rodney Dangerfield
# My wife’s got a face like a saint – a Saint Bernard. – Rodney Dangerfield
# I came from a real tough neighborhood. In the local restaurant I sat down and had broken leg of lamb. – Rodney Dangerfield
# All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women. – W. C. Fields
# The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep. – W. C. Fields
# If there’s a will, prosperity can’t be far behind. – W. C. Fields
# I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. – Henny Youngman
# Congress: Bingo with billions. – Red Skelton
# I invented the cordless extension cord. – Steven Wright
# I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. – Steven Wright
# The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. – Author Unknown (but pretty sure it’s not the 1st mouse) – Tony Hsieh
# Told my mom I gave a presentation @ Tony Robbins conference. She was really excited. In her words: Wow! Robin Williams! – Tony Hsieh
# I drink to forget I drink. – Joe E. Lewis
# Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you. – Joey Adams
# Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy. – Emo Philips
# Broken promises don’t upset me. I just think, why did they believe me? – Jack Handy
# Guys, if you could blow yourselves, ladies, you’d be in this room alone right now. Watching an empty stage. – Bill Hicks
Posted in: Famous People, Jokes, Naughty Sms
Tags: Bill Hicks, Bird Gets The Worm, Early Bird Gets The Worm, Empty Stage, Extension Cord, fun quotes, funny messages, Gas Station Bathrooms, Joey Adams, Leg Of Lamb, Local Restaurant, Morning Sickness, one-liners, Playing Poker, Red Skelton, Rodney Dangerfield, Saint Bernard, sarcasm, sms humor, Speech Therapy, Steven Wright, Tongue In Cheek, Tony Hsieh, Tony Robbins, W C Fields
November 3rd, 2009 / No Comments » / by joker
Want to speak and write properly all the time? Just follow these simple rules and you too will master perfect use of the English language:
- Avoid alliteration. Always.
- Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.
- Employ the vernacular.
- Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
- Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
- Remember to never split an infinitive.
- Contractions aren’t necessary.
- Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
- One should never generalize.
- Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.”
- Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
- Don’t be redundant; don’t use more words than necessary; it’s highly superfluous.
- Be more or less specific.
- Understatement is always best.
- One-word sentences? Eliminate.
- Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
- The passive voice is to be avoided.
- Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
- Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
- Who needs rhetorical questions?
- Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
- Don’t never use a double negative.
- Capitalize every sentence and remember to always end it with a period,
- Do not put statements in the negative form.
- Verbs has to agree with their subjects.
- If you reread your work, you can find that rereading a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.
- A writer must not shift your point of view.
- And don’t start a sentence with a conjunction!
- Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.
- Don’t overuse exclamation marks!!!
- Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more words, to the antecedents.
- Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.
- If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.
- Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors.
- Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.
- Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing.
- Always pick on the correct idiom.
- The adverb always follows the verb.
- Avoid cliches like the plague; They’re old hat; seek viable alternatives.
And finally,
- Always proofread carefully to see if you (left) any words out.
Posted in: School College Jokes, Trivia
Tags: Alliteration, Analogies, Antecedents, Contractions, Foreign Words And Phrases, fun tips, High Noon, Infinitive, language fun, language humor, Linking Verb, Locutions, Overuse Exclamation Marks, Passive Voice, Perfect English, Place Pronouns, Preposition, Ralph Waldo Emerson, Rhetorical Questions, Singular Nouns, Singular Pronoun, speaking engliush language, tips, understatement, Vernacular, Word Sentences, writing
November 1st, 2009 / No Comments » / by Kitty
There was a man walking on the beach who looked up and saw the most beautiful girl he had ever seen. He was awestruck, captured, stunned by her beauty. He could do nothing but forget everything and follow her. He was so intrigued by her beauty that he followed her for hours on the beach.
For a long time she did not notice him following, but eventually the beautiful woman turned around and asked the man who he was, and why he was following her.
The man explained that he was so captured by her beauty, that he had never seen any woman as beautiful as she was, that he could not help but to follow her, that she was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen, and would she be his.
The woman replied, “I am very flattered at such a compliment, but surely this cannot be true, for if you had turned to look behind you, you would have seen my sister who has been following you, and she is ten times more beautiful than me.”
The man turned to look, and saw a homely looking girl behind him. He turned to the other woman and said, “I’m confused, your sister is not more beautiful than you. Why would you tell me that ? You lied to me.”
The woman looked at him and said, “And you lied also, for you turned your head.”
Moral :- “Women are smart”
Posted in: Story
Tags: Beautiful, Beautiful Girl, Beautiful Man, Beautiful Woman, Beautiful Women, Compliment, Long Time, Man Walking, moral, Other Woman, Smart, smart women, Walking On The Beach
