March 17th, 2010 / No Comments » / by joker
This is how company policies are made (This is based on an actual experiment conducted in U.K.)
*Put eight monkeys in a room. In the middle of the room is a ladder, leading to a bunch of bananas hanging from a hook on the ceiling.
* ** *Each time a monkey tries to climb the ladder, all the monkeys are sprayed with ice water, which makes them miserable.
* ** *Soon enough, whenever a monkey attempts to climb the ladder, all of the other monkeys, not wanting to be sprayed, set upon him and beat him up. Soon, none of the eight monkeys ever attempts to climb the ladder.
* ** *One of the original monkeys is then removed, and a new monkey is put in the room. Seeing the bananas and the ladder, he wonders why none of the other monkeys are doing the obvious. But undaunted, he immediately begins to climb the ladder.
* ** *All the other monkeys fall upon him and beat him silly. He has no idea why. However, he no longer attempts to climb the ladder.
* ** *A second original monkey is removed and replaced. The newcomer again attempts to climb the ladder, but all the other monkeys hammer the crap out of him. This includes the previous new monkey, who is grateful that he’s not on the receiving end this time, participates in the beating because all the other monkeys are doing it. However, he has no idea why he’s attacking the new monkey.
** *One by one, all the original monkeys are replaced. Eight new monkeys are now in the room. None of them have ever been sprayed by ice water. None of them attempt to climb the ladder. All of them will enthusiastically beat up any new monkey who tries, without having any idea why.
* ** *This is how any company’s policies get Established.***
Posted in: Professional Jokes
Tags: Attempt, Bananas, business, Company Policies, coporate law, Crap, employee, Hammer, Hook, Ladder, Monkey, Monkeys, Newcomer, policy
July 12th, 2009 / 1 Comment » / by Maverick
Why don’t they have waiters in waiting rooms? – George Carlin
According to a brand new report, alcohol abuse in Ireland is on the rise. Mainly because the guy who didn’t drink now does. – Conan O’Brien
All we have is here and now. That’s why procrastination feels so right. Procrastination isn’t the problem, it’s the solution. – Ellen DeGeneres
Housework can’t kill you, but why take the chance? – Phyllis Diller
Before we got engaged, he never farted. Now it’s a second language. – Caroline Rhea
Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy. – Albert Einstein
Having kids is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain. – Martin Mull
Don’t worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any good, you’ll have to ram them down people’s throats. – Howard Aiken
Waiters and waitresses are becoming nicer and much more caring. I used to pay my check, they would say “Thank you.” That’s now escalated into “You care care of yourself, now.” The other day I paid my check and the waiter said, “Don’t put off that mammogram.” – Rita Rudner
Posted in: Famous People Quotes, Quotes
Tags: Albert Einstein, Alcohol Abuse, Bowling Alley, Caroline Rhea, Celebrity Pictures, Conan O Brien, Ellen Degeneres, famous people, famous words, funny quotes, George Carlin, Housework, Howard Aiken, Martin Mull, Phyllis Diller, Plaid, Procrastination, Quotations, Quotes, Quotes By Famous People, Rita Rudner, Second Language, Waiter, Waiters, Waiting Rooms, Waitresses
March 13th, 2010 / No Comments » / by joker
Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.
Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.
Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
Brits: Can’t possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.
Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.
Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.
Canadians: Believe that people should look out for & take care of themselves.
Americans: Believe that that’s the government’s job.
Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it “English”.
Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it “English”.
Canadians: Spell like Brits, pronounce like Americans.
Aussies: Add “G’day”, “mate” and a heavy accent to everything they say in an attempt to get laid.
Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.
Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.
Americans: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer.
Canadians: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer.
Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting piss.
Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.
Posted in: Ethnic Jokes
Tags: Accent, Alcohol, Aussies, Beer, Beery, Brits, Cheap Shopping, Culture Shock, Cultures, English Canadians, ethnic humor, Job, Liquor, Mate, Mates, pissy, Shop At Home, Southern Border
March 11th, 2010 / No Comments » / by Kitty
Newage Tech
No stalk – Phrase used before one inadvertently says something that sounds stalkerish on Facebook.
Nerd Bird – An airliner that flies between two high-tech cities, likely that the majority of the passengers will be nerds.
shopped – Photoshopped; manipulated with an image editor
Cracked Screen App – When you crack your iPhone screen for some reason, but you just keep using it since it still works. It is free to get this app but if you want to get rid of it, you need to pay around $70 to get it fixed.
Business & Finance
dead cat bounce – Investor slang; a brief recovery in the price of a falling stock.
Business Buzzed – an acceptable level of intoxication for business situations.
Balls out – To exude tremendous effort, to try extremely hard.
Shopping
Costrophobia – The fear of high prices.
LCD Trip – When you watch too much football on your LCD big-screen.
bucket – Bay area slang for an under-maintenanced vehicle. Also known as a hooptie.
Brain & Body
stealth abs – When your ripped six pack is covered by a thick layer of fat.
echo boomer – The child of a Baby Boomer.
cognitus interruptus – A disruption of the normal thought process, normally by an external distraction.
Posted in: Sms, Trivia
Tags: Acceptable Level, Airliner, Baby Boomer, bucket, Business Finance, Business Situations, Dead Cat Bounce, dictionary, Disruption, Distraction, Echo Boomer, hooptie, Image Editor, Iphone, jargon, Level Of Intoxication, Nerd Bird, Nerds, office jokes, Slang, slangs, Stealth, Stock Business, Thick Layer, Thought Process, Urban Dictionary, vehicle, words
March 4th, 2010 / No Comments » / by joker
What’s dumb?
Directions on toilet paper.
What’s dumber than that?
Reading them.
Even Dumber?
Reading them and learning something.
Dumbest of all?
Reading them and having to correct something that you’ve been doing wrong.
Posted in: Society
Tags: bathroom funnies, Directions, dumb, dumb answers, dumb questions, porcelain throne, room, Toilet, toilet funnies, Toilet Paper
February 27th, 2010 / No Comments » / by Kitty
Celebrity limb might be worth millions. Many celebrities with “notable” body parts insure them just in case they lose a leg or a boob or even hair in an accident. But most of these people are millionaires several times over.
Brooke Shields, actress – Her legs are insured for an undisclosed amount.
Mariah Carey, singer – Insured her legs for a billion. That’s a lot of bendy straws. She insured her legs and not her voice.
David Beckham, soccer player – His football kicking legs are insured for $70 million.
Michael Flatley, dancer – Insured his dancing feet for $39 million.
Bruce Springsteen, singer – His voice is insured for $31.2 million (6 million dollars in 1960s).
Angela Mount, wine expert – Her taste buds insured for $16 millions.
America Ferrer, actress – Insured her smile for $10 million.
Rod Stewart, singer – His voice is insured for $6 million.
Jamie Lee Curtis, actress – Insured her legs for $2 million.
Ken Dodd, comedian – Insured his teeth for $10.6 million (6.2 million dollar in 1989).
Tom Jones, singer – His chest hair is insured for $7 million. (sic!)
Tina Turner, singer – Her legs are insured for $3.2 million.
Heidi Klum, model – Her stretchy legs are insured for $2.2 million.
Keith Richards, guitarist – Insured his hands for $2 million.
Angie Dickinson, actress – Insured her legs for $1 million.
Betty Grable, dancer, singer & actress – Insured her legs for $1 million.
Rhianna, singer – Insured her legs for $1 million.
Marlene Dietrich, singer & actress – Took out a $1 million policy in case she lost her voice.
David Lee Roth, singer – Took out a 1 million dollar policy against his sperm. (The insurance was just in case Roth fathered a child and a paternity suit ensured.)
Mary Hart, television personality – Insured her legs for $1 million.
Dolly Parton, singer – Insured her breasts for $600,000.
Merv Hughes, cricket player – He had his whiskers, a long trademark mustache, insured for $317,000.
Fred Astaire, dancer & choreographer – Insured his legs for $150,000 – that’s $75,000 each.
Jimmy Durante, pianist – Insured his nose for $50,000.
Egon Ronay, food critic – The world-renown Hungarian insured his taste buds for $2.3 million ($330,000 in 1960s).
Bette Davis, actress – Her waistline was insured for $357,000 ($28,000 – a tidy sum back in the 1930s).
Ben Turpin, comedian – His eyes were insured for $500,000 ($25K in 1910s)
Posted in: Trivia
Tags: America Ferrera, Angela Mount, Angie Dickinson, Ben Turpin, Bette Davis, Betty Grable, Brooke Shields, Bruce Springsteen, celebrity assets, celebrity bodyparts, Celebrity Quotes, Cricket Player, Dancing Feet, David Beckham, David Beckham Soccer, David Lee Roth, Dollar Policy, Dolly Parton, Egon Ronay, Fred Astaire, Heidi Klum, Insurance, Jamie Lee Curtis, Jennifer Lopez, Jimmy Durante, Keith Richards, Ken Dodd, Mariah Carey, Marlene Dietrich, Mary Hart, Merv Hughes, Michael Flatley, Ornella Muti, Paternity Suit, Rhianna Singer, Rihanna, Rod Stewart, Taste Buds, Television Personality, Tina Turner, Tom Jones
February 25th, 2010 / No Comments » / by joker
I wanted to thank all my friends and family who have forwarded chain letters to me in 1999, 2000, 2001, 2002, 2003, 2004, 2005, 2006, 2007, 2008, 2009 and continuing it in 2010 also…….
Because of your kindness:
* I stopped drinking Coca Cola after I found out that it’s good for removing toilet stains.
* I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle infected with AIDS.
* Forwarded hundreds of mails but still waiting for FREE DESKTOP, FREE LAPTOP, FREE CAMERA, FREE CELLPHONE etc…..
* I smell like a wet dog since I stopped using deodorants because they cause cancer…
* I don’t leave my car in the parking lot or any other place and sometimes I even have to walk about 7 blocks for fear that someone will drug me with a perfume sample and try to rob me.
* I also stopped answering the phone for fear that they may ask me to dial a stupid number and then I get a phone bill with calls to Uganda, Pakistan, Singapore and Tokyo…
* I also stopped drinking anything out of a Can for fear that I will get sick from the rat faeces and urine.
* I also donated all my savings to the Amy Bruce account. A sick girl that was about to die in the hospital about 7,000 times…. (Poor girl! she’s been 7 since 1993…)
* Still open to help somebody from Nigeria who wants to use my account to transfer his uncle’s property of $ 100 million. So much trustworthy.
* I have forwarded 40 emails to 500 people hoping that Ericsson or Nokia will send me latest mobile phones but those models are also obsolete now.
* Made some Hundred wishes before forwarding those Ganesh , Tirupathi Balaji email pics etc. Now most of those ‘Wishes’ are already married (to someone else)
NOW IMPORTANT NOTE : If you do not send this e-mail to at least 11,246 people in the next 10 seconds, a bird will Pee on your head today at 6:30pm.
Nothing has happened till now……… ……… ….. but who knows. So please forward or share or book mark.
Posted in: Computer Jokes, Story
Tags: 100 Million, 100 millions, AIDS, amy bruce, balaji, billions, Book Mark, Chain Letters, chain mails, Coca Cola, donation, E Mail, Ericsson, Faeces, Free Camera, Free Cellphone, free desktop, frustrated victim, funny, ganesh, humor, Kindness, Laptop, Latest Mobile Phones, models, Nigeria, obsolete, Parking Lot, Pee, Perfume, Perfume Sample, phone bills, Poor Girl, Send Mail, Sick Girl, Stains, tirupathi, Tirupathi Balaji, Toilet, uncle’s property, wicked, wishes
