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A Strange Affair!
After living in a remote wilderness all his life, an old codger decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not knowing what it was, he remarked, "How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy."
He bought the 'picture', but on the way home he remembered his wife, Lizzy, didn't like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.
Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror.
As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the old gal he's runnin' after! I'll kill him!"
Men Women Jokes Submitted by Emilla Christ (27),
No Woman No Cry!
Recently a "Husband Shopping Center" opened in Dallas, where women could go to choose a husband from among many men.
It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended up the floors.
The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you must choose a man from that floor, and if
you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place never to return.
A couple of girlfriends go to the place to find men.
Firstfloor, the door had a sign saying "These men have jobs and love kids.
"The women read the sign and say, "Well, that's better than not having jobs, or not loving kids, but I wonder
what's further up?"
So up they go.
Second floor says "These men have high paying jobs, love kids,and are extremely good looking."
Hmmm, say the girls. But, I wonder what's further up?
Third floor: "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework.
" Wow! say the women. Very tempting, BUT, there's more further up!" And up they go.
Fourth floor: "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the
housework, and have a strong romantic streak."
"Oh, mercy me. But just think! What must be awaiting us further on!"
So up to the fifth floor they go.
The sign on that door said,
"This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are impossible to please. Goodbye."
Men Women Jokes Submitted by Nitin (21), Dallas
Enjoying in Heaven
A woman was worried whether or not her dead husband made it to heaven, so she decided to try to contact his spirit by having a seance.
Sure enough, after the usual mumbo-jumbo of calling to the spirits, her husband’s voice was heard answering, "Hello Margaret, this is meeee...""Fred," she answered. I just have to know if you’re happy there in the afterlife. What’s it like there?"
"Ooooooh, it’s much more beautiful here than I ever imagined," Fred answered. "The sky is bluer, the air is cleaner, and the pastures are much more lush and green than I ever expected. And the only thing we do, all day long, are eat and sleep, eat and sleep, over and over."
"Thank God, you made it to heaven," his wife cried.
"Heaven?" he answered. "What heaven? I’m a buffalo in Montana."
Men Women Jokes Submitted by Funtoosh (24),
A Husband’s Moment of Realization
A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"
"What dear?" She asked gently.
"I think you bring me bad luck."
Men Women Jokes Submitted by Digen Verma (),
Catch the thieves...
A man was going up to bed, when his wife told him he’d left the light on in the garden shed, she could see it from the bedroom window. But he said that he hadn’t been in the shed that day. He looked himself, and there were people in the shed, stealing things.
He rang the police, but they told him that no one was in his area, so no one was available to catch the thieves. He said, "OK," hung up, counted to 30 and rang the police again.
"Hello. I just rang you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed? Well, you don’t have to worry about them now, I’ve just shot them all!"
Within five minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area, an Armed Response unit, the works. Of course, they caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the policemen said to the man: "I thought you said you’d shot them!"
He replied: "I thought YOU said there was no-one available!"
Men Women Jokes Submitted by Digen Verma (),
Weighty Fortune
After the holidays and all those delightful, seasonal treats, a husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tells your fortune and weight.
He drops in a coin and eagerly reads the results.
"Listen to this," he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and an absolutely great lover in bed!"
"Yeah," his wife nodded, "and it has your weight wrong, too."
Men Women Jokes Submitted by 'Mavs' Maverick (28), California
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