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Barbie's Nasty Christmas Letter To Santa
Dear Santa:
Humor Jokes LISTen you fat little troll, I've been
helping you out every year, playing at being the
perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy
bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in
fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I
hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S
DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had better be
some changes around here by next Christmas, or
I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and
trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell
it). So, here's my holiday wish list:
1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants
and a frumpy, oversized sweat shirt. I'm sick of
looking like a hooker. How much smaller are
these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any
idea what it feels like to have nylon and Velcro
crawling up your butt?
2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and
off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel
decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation
underwear to my skin?!? It looks like cellulite!
3. A REAL man...maybe G.I. Joe. Hell, I'd
take Tickle-Me Elmo over that wimped-out excuse
for a boyfriend Ken. And what's with that
earring anyway? If I'm gonna have to suffer with
him, at least make him (and me) anatomically
correct.
4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the
aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is
anatomically correct.
5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care
whose arm you have to twist, just get it done.
6. A jogging bra. To wear until I get the
surgery.
7. A new career. Pet doctor and school
teacher just don't cut it. How about a systems
analyst? Or better yet, an advertising account
exec.
8. A new, more 90's persona. Maybe
"PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature
container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice
cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights
Barbie", with my very own paint gun, outfitted
with a fake fur coat and handcuffs; or "Stop
Smoking Barbie", sporting a removable Nicotrol
patch and equipped with several packs of gum.
9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The
grease is wrecking my vinyl.
10. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years.
I think I deserve it.
Ok, Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable
contribution to society, I don't think these
requests are out of line. If you disagree, then
you can find yourself a new bimbo doll for next
Christmas. It's that simple.
Yours truly,
Barbie
Jokes Submitted by Shirley (24), IN
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