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The Curse!
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'
The old man says without hesitation - 'I now pronounce you man and wife'
Husband Humour Submitted by Jonathan (27), Uganda
Birthday Present
A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday. They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin’?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before.
"Oh, no," says Dave. "He’s on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he’d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"She’s in the Ladies’ Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
Dave’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab.
Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.
The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."
Husband Wife Joke Submitted by Smarty Hubby (), England
Condoms For Every Man
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What’s are these, Dad?"
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see," replied the boys pensively. "Yes, I’ve heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"
The dad replies, "Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."
"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6-pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"
"Those are for college men," The dad answers, "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy. "Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a12-pack.
With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March..."
Marriage Joke Submitted by Keith Witherspoon (), Lords
Superb Marriage Secret ?????.!!!!!!!!!!
Once upon a time a married couple celebrated their 25th marriage anniversary. They had become famous in the city for not having a single conflict in their period of 25 years. Local newspaper editors had gathered at the occasion to find out the secret of their well known "happy going marriage".
Editor: "Sir. It's amazingly unbelievable. How did you make this possible?"
Husband recalling his old honeymoon days said: "We had been to Shimla for honeymoon after marriage. Having selected the horse riding finally, we both started the ride on different horses. My horse was pretty okay but
the horse on which my wife was riding seemed to be a crazy one. On the way ahead, that horse jumped suddenly, making my wife topple over. Recovering her position from the ground, she patted the horse's back and said "This is your first time ". She again climbed the horse and continued with the ride. After a while, it happened again. This time she again kept calm and said "This is your second time" and continued. When the horse dropped her third time, she silently took out the revolver from the purse and shot the horse dead!!"
I shouted at my wife: "What did you do you psycho. You killed the poor animal. Are you crazy??..."
She gave a silent look and said: "This is your first time!!!"
Husband: "That's it, We are happily married ever after."
Man Woman Joke Submitted by Ragini (23), GE Money, Gurgaon
Last Day on the Job
It was the mailman’s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.
When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup’s bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what’s the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."
He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar."
The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."
Submitted by Lordy (), Funtasticus
Birth Control
My husband had been stationed in Europe and away from home for what seemed like years when I went for my annual gynecological checkup.
My doctor asked the usual questions, including what I was using for birth control.
I gave the only possible response I could, "The Atlantic Ocean."
Marriage Joke Submitted by Amy Joy (34), Pittsburgh
Tom and Harry - Twin Husbands
There were two twins, Tom and Harry. Tom was the owner of an old dilapidated boat.
It just so happened that Harry's wife died the same day Tom's boat sank.
A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Tom and mistaking him for Harry said "I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must feel terrible."
Tom, thinking she was talking about his boat said "Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the
beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like an old dead fish.
She was always losing her water, she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too.
Every time I used her, the hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I
rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them she wasn't very good, but they
wanted to use her anyhow. The fools all tried to get in her at once and she split right up the middle"
The old woman fainted.
Laugh Submitted by Alicia Keys (), Downtown
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