Asstrology

Many men have developed the ability to recognise a woman from behind.

Wife Sees Husband's Mobile phone

Suitable Boyfriend

Sleeping with benefits!

LAWS THAT YOU DIDN'T LEARN AT SCHOOL

*LAWS THAT YOU DIDN'T LEARN AT SCHOOL*

01. *LORENZ'S LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR*

Once  your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

02. *ANTHONY'S LAW OF THE WORKSHOP*

Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

03. *KOVAC'S CONUNDRUM*

When u dial a wrong number, u never get an engaged tone.

04. *CANNON'S KARMIC LAW*

If u tell the boss u were late for work because u had a flat tyre, the next morning u will have a flat tyre.

05 *O'BRIEN'S VARIATION LAW*

If u change queues, the one u have left will start to move faster than the one u are in now.

06. *BELL'S THEOREM*

When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.

07. *RUBY'S PRINCIPLE OF CLOSE ENCOUNTERS*

The probability of meeting someone u know increases when u are with someone u don't want to be seen with.

08. *WILLOUGHBY'S LAW*

When u try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

09. *ZADRA'S LAW OF BIOMECHANICS*

The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

10. *BREDA'S RULE*

At any event, the people whose seats are farthest from the aisle arrive last.

11. *OWEN'S LAW*

As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Suicide Counseling... Aussie Style

Quite Effective Aussie Suicide Counseling

Lockdown Terminology

Lockdown lingo - are you fully conversant with the new terminology?

*Coronacoaster*

The ups and downs of your mood during the pandemic. You're loving lockdown one minute but suddenly weepy with anxiety the next. It truly is "an emotional coronacoaster".

*Quarantinis*

Experimental cocktails mixed from whatever random ingredients you have left in the house. The boozy equivalent of a store cupboard supper. Southern Comfort and Ribena quarantini with a glacé cherry garnish, anyone? These are sipped at "locktail hour", ie. wine o'clock during lockdown, which seems to be creeping earlier with each passing week.

*Le Creuset wrist*

It's the new "avocado hand" - an aching arm after taking one's best saucepan outside to bang during the weekly 'Clap For Carers.' It might be heavy but you're keen to impress the neighbours with your high-quality kitchenware.

*Coronials*

As opposed to millennials, this refers to the future generation of babies conceived or born during coronavirus quarantine. They might also become known as "Generation C" or, more spookily, "Children of the Quarn".

*Furlough Merlot*

Wine consumed in an attempt to relieve the frustration of not working. Also known as "bored-eaux" or "cabernet tedium".

*Coronadose*

An overdose of bad news from consuming too much media during a time of crisis. Can result in a panicdemic.

*The elephant in the Zoom*

The glaring issue during a videoconferencing call that nobody feels able to mention. E.g. one participant has dramatically put on weight, suddenly sprouted terrible facial hair or has a worryingly messy house visible in the background.

*Quentin Quarantino*

An attention-seeker using their time in lockdown to make amateur films which they're convinced are funnier and cleverer than they actually are.

*Covidiot* or *Wuhan-ker*

One who ignores public health advice or behaves with reckless disregard for the safety of others can be said to display "covidiocy" or be "covidiotic". Also called a "lockclown" or even a "Wuhan-ker".

*Goutbreak*

The sudden fear that you've consumed so much wine, cheese, home-made cake and Easter chocolate in lockdown that your ankles are swelling up like a medieval king's.

*Antisocial distancing*

Using health precautions as an excuse for snubbing neighbours and generally ignoring people you find irritating.

*Coughin' dodger*

Someone so alarmed by an innocuous splutter or throat-clear that they back away in terror.

*Mask-ara*

Extra make-up applied to "make one's eyes pop" before venturing out in public wearing a face mask.

*Covid-10*

The 10lbs in weight that we're all gaining from comfort-eating and comfort-drinking. Also known as "fattening the curve".

😂😂😂

Made in USA

*Brilliant comment on the US Economy!*

Dr. Marc Faber, the investment guru, concluded his monthly bulletin with the following comments! :

 

The federal government is sending each of us a *$600 rebate.*

If we spend that money at *Wal-Mart*, the money goes to *China.*

If we spend it on *gasoline* it goes to the *Arabs.*

If we buy a *software*, it will go to *India.*

If we purchase *fruits and vegetables* it will go to *Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala.*

If we purchase a *good car*, it will go to *Germany and Japan.*

If we purchase *useless crap*, it will go to *Taiwan or Korea.*

In short, *none of it* will help the *American economy.*

The *only way to keep that money here at home* is to spend it on *Guns, Prostitutes, and Beer*, since these are the *only products still produced in the US!* 😄🤣

WHEN BODY PARTS ARE USED AS VERBS

WHEN BODY PARTS ARE USED AS VERBS

            

_Many parts of the body can be used as verbs in either a physical or a metaphorical sense._

You can *head* a company, but if things go wrong you'll have to *shoulder* the blame, or *face* your investors. 

A good leader will *back* his employees, but if you don't *toe* the line the management can *skin* you.

Did you *muscle* your way into that job? 

You might *eye* someone suspiciously, or wait for the police to *finger* a suspect. 

But if you need to get out of town, you can *thumb* a ride or you can ride with me if you can *stomach* the thought.

Use strong *arm* tactic if you want to *elbow* out someone.

I don't always sing along with the radio, but I sometimes do *mouth* the words.

*That's Amazing English!!!* 👏🏻👏🏻👌🏻👌🏻😊

Italian Viral Humor

THE ITALIAN SENSE OF HUMOR ....

 "Maybe it is true that we Italians are in a difficult situation.

But tell me where you will find another such country:

in which aprons for doctors are sewn by ARMANI

FERRARI is manufacturing respirators

GUCCI is making face masks

And sanitizing gel is made by BULGARI ??? 

We may end up in hell, but in style! " 

😜😂🍌💅

Chatting with Housemates during Lockdown

🤣🤣🤣Loved this silly one for a change..

Hi guys! Just be careful because people are going crazy from being in lock down!  

Actually I've just been talking about this with the microwave and toaster while drinking coffee and all of us agreed that things are getting bad. 

I didn't mention anything to the washing machine as she puts a different spin on everything, and certainly not to the fridge as he is acting cold and distant.  

In the end though, the iron calmed me down as she said everything will be fine, no situation is too pressing.  The hoover was very unsympathetic...  told me to just suck it up, but the fan was more optimistic and hoped it would all soon blow over!  

The toilet looked a bit flushed when I asked its opinion, and didn't say anything but the door knob told me to get a grip.😬  The front door said I was unhinged and so the curtains told me to... Yes, you guessed it ... pull myself together. 🤣🤣🤣🤪

Men's Scotch at Bar

From "Standing near the bar with Scotch in our hand" 

To 

"Standing near Vim bar with a Scotch Brite in our hand"

Men have come a long way  ..

..The great lockdown