Never check your weight after Drinking

Never check your weight after drinking... 🥂🥃🍻

Weighing body clock!!

How to Approach a Bull, Horse & an Idiot

How Not to Approach a Bull, a Horse & an Idiot!

Never approach a bull from front, 

a horse from behind,

 and, 

an Idiot from any direction!

Tolerance is Dysfunction of Society

Pluto said so that Tolerance is a dysfunction of a Civilized Society. 

Weed Mubarak

Legal Weed freedom t-shirt

Clinton Mantra

Clinton, 

Call me crazy, but I think treason, sedition and insurrection should be investigated thoroughly as a blow job!

Indian Students are Disliked Abroad!

*Why Indian Students are Disliked Abroad!*

TOO GOOD!

It was the first day of school in the USA and a new Indian student named Chandra Subramanian entered the 4th grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. 

Teacher :- Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces except for Chandra, who had his hand up: 

Chandra :- 'Patrick Henry, 1775,'.

'Very good! 

Teacher :- Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, 

shall not perish from the Earth?''

Again, no response except from Chandra:- 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863'.

The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed.

Chandra, who is new to our country, knows more about our history than you do.'

She heard a loud stage whisper: 'F**k  the Indians.'

'Who said that?' she demanded. But Chandra put his hand up. 'General Custer, 1862.'

At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'

The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who said that?' 

Again, Chandra says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'

Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? S**k  this!'

Chandra jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher,

'Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997.'

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said

'You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.'

Chandra frantically yells at the top of his voice, 'Michael Jackson to the child witness testifying against him in 2004.'

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh shit, we're scr*w*d!!

And Chandra said quietly, 'Lehmann Brothers, November 4th, 2008'.

😄😄

Polish Man Wants Divorce from American Wife

A Polish man married an American girl, and though his English wasn't very good, they got along very well. One day he rushes into a lawyer's office and asks him to arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer says that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asks him the following questions:

 

"Have you any grounds?" 

"Yes, an acre and a half and a nice little home."

 "No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?" 

"It's made of concrete."

 "I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?" 

"No, we have carport, and not need one." 

"I mean what are your relations like?" 

"All my relations still in Poland." 

"Is there any infidelity in your marriage?" 

"We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player."

 "Does your wife beat you up?" 

"No, I always up before her." 

"Why do you want this divorce?" 

"She going to kill me."

 "What makes you think that??" 

"I got proof." 

"What kind of proof?" 

"She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read English pretty good, and it say: 

POLISH REMOVER."

!!

Emergency Landing

😁

An aeroplane made an emergency landing on water.

Air hostess asked the passengers to slide down to the lifeboats, but the passengers refused.

Air hostess then asked the Captain (Pilot) to help.

The Captain being very knowledgeable and experienced, guided her : 

"You tell the Americans this is an ADVENTURE . 

Tell the British this is an HONOUR . 

Tell the French this is a ROMANTIC activity, 

Tell the Germans this is the LAW.

Tell the Japanese this is an ORDER , and everyone will be sorted out."

Air hostess asked : "Can I convince the Pakistanis?"

Captain : "Yes dear, just whisper, " This is a suicide mission."

Air hostess again asked : "And what about the Singaporeans?" 

The captain, taking a deep breath, patiently explained : "You need not tell the SIngaporeans anything, my dear. Once they see a QUEUE, they will join it without questions."

Air hostess remembered the flight had some passengers from India. 

Air hostess then asked : "What about Indians?"

The captain laughed: "Easy. Just tell the Indians this activity is FREE"

😊😜 (Satire)

Potty Problem

Only the little girl understood his problem of no toilet paper

Retired Colonel gets Married

After retirement, Colonel married a young 25 year old woman.

Now he was spending less time with his friends. His concerned friends enquired if there was a problem.

 The Colonel said: "I'm eager to pass time with you all, but my young wife gets lonely when I'm away."

His friends advised him: "Keep a young tenant at home, your wife will be happy in the company of a younger person."

Colonel promptly acted on their advise and leased a room in his big house to a young tenant.

Now the friends were meeting more often. One day the friends jokingly asked: "How is your wife now?"

Colonel replied: "She is not lonely at all, she is happy and in fact, she is now pregnant!"

The friends laughed, as they expected this. They asked: "And how is the tenant?" 

Colonel Sahab replied very soberly: "She is also pregnant."

_Never underestimate  a Veteran_ 😅

Seniors' Daily Humor

Hilarious! 🤣

1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

2. To me, "drink responsibly" means, "Don't spill it."

3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.

4. It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.

5. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

6. When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.

7. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.

8. I had my patience tested. I'm negative.

9. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.

10. If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"

11. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.

12. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.

13. I run like the winded.

14. I hate when a couple argues in public if I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.

15. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"

16. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?

17. I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.

18. When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."

19. Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.

20. Sometimes someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.

21. My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.

(Source unknown)